While I embrace the transience of my relationships with others, I still find it unsatisfying that those brief interpersonal relationships are growing fewer and farther between. It’s hard to go from person to person when you cannot obtain person-things to begin with. Something about me says “stay away.” Some aura I give warns others that only pestilence will be had if they bring me into their lives. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand why this happens. I don’t see anything that needs to be changed about me. I’m not even hellbent on destroying interpersonal relationships anymore. Nevertheless, there is something that screams danger about me.
I feel like I can now write on a more regular basis, like I once did. A break for most of the past two years was definitely in order, as I had burned myself out and tried some other life experiments to try and find some footing, but now it is time to focus on the one thing that goes beyond me – my writing. Do not misunderstand, I am still the same egocentric individual that I always have been, but there is a symbiotic relationship between my boredom and my ability to communicate with others. If you are new to this blog, welcome, and if you are a veteran of my writings, thank you. It feels good to be back.
I have always been shadow, as have you. I simply rejoice in my place in the lands between light and dark, whereas you pretend that all is bright and pure.
If I had to pick the common denominator in all of the failed interpersonal relationships – friends, romantic partners, family, etc. – throughout my life, it is me. Some may have left because I was too emotionally absent, while others may have left when I was overtly callous toward them, but it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was my actions or inactions that caused nearly every interpersonal relationship that has come my way to collapse. My wiring will never change, even as I mellow and embrace relative responsibility, so rather than run from those bridges I burn, I must turn to their light to better understand my own place on this earth.
I’m apathetic these days. The entire world, it seems, is gaslighting each other into believing in the very worst in humanity. We seem to be on the precipice of something but what that is, I do not know. Sensationalism and a clear binary partitioning of the masses have trumped discourse and have negated a desire to find common ground between any two individuals that surely have some worth outside of the fire and brimstone sociopolitical climate. It’s sickening to the point that I no longer feel sick thinking about it. I sit back as an observer, wondering whether the madness will end before I am no longer able to observe.